Before you lose your cool, read this.
If your neurodivergent tween or teen seems constantly annoyed at you, eyerolls at every request, or snaps back with a sharp tone or aggression, you’re not alone. As a parent, it can feel deeply personal, like they’re being rude just to push your buttons.
But here’s the truth: your teen isn’t trying to make your life miserable.
Especially those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or anxiety, this behaviour often isn’t about attitude.
Underneath that “rudeness,” here’s what might really be going on:
They feel controlled.
They may be tired of being controlled. Think about it, if they go to school and mask all day long to fit in, following the demands of society, social expectations and of the school, when they get home, (which is their place to rest and be themselves) the last thing they want to do is be hit with even more demands.
Quite often neurodivergent kids are expending so much energy on just keeping up academically or socially that their capacity to complete more tasks once they are home can be quite low by the time they get home.
The delivery of the tasks can also impact the control they may feel. For example, being mindful of the tone you deliver tasks in. As parents we’re quite often so exasperated from things not being done that we can snap without meaning to, Which may be perceived as control to a highly emotional tween or teen.
Their nervous system is stuck in fight-or-flight.
When the world feels overwhelming, loud, or unpredictable, or they are using all their energy to fit in and do well, their brain may flip into survival mode. That might look like snapping, shutting down, or rejecting connection. Not because they want to, but because they literally can’t help it in the moment. When a teenager’s brain is stuck in fight or flight it’s nearly impossible to think ahead to the consequences of their behaviour.
Their brain is under construction.
Remember this! Teenage brains are in the middle of a massive neurological upgrade, which makes them at the mercy of the emotional centre in their brain, emotions can be extremely heightened with no brakes to turn them off.
Emotional regulation, impulse control, and consequences are still developing, and may not be fully developed until the age of 26 and for some kids their brain may not be fully developed until they’re 30, so go easy on them for not always having the greatest response.
Their brain has a big growth spurt around the ages of 9/10 then again around the age of 14/15, When their emotions and responses can be even more intense and inconsistent.
I feel like but in general we expect too much from tweens and teens, and expect them to act like fully functioning adults when the reality is their brains are still doing a lot of growing.
They might feel unheard or misunderstood.
Many neurodivergent teens carry a quiet (or not-so-quiet) belief that the adults around them just don’t get it. When they feel dismissed, judged, or “corrected” constantly, they may stop trying to explain, and start reacting instead. In fact, one of the main things I hear from my tween and teen clients is that their parents just don’t understand them.
So, what can you do?
As tempting as it is to “teach them a lesson” or call out their disrespect every single time it happens, this can often backfire. It can increase shame, disconnection, and defiance.
What your teen actually needs is:
Validation.
By validation, I mean genuine validation, none of this “I can see that you’re struggling” nonsense, which sounds scripted and fake. Instead really try to see it from their perspective.
Are they tired and you’ve been loading on the demands? Was your tone perhaps a bit snappier than it needed to be?
Even if you don’t get how they’re feeling, I can guarantee there were times when you were younger where you felt confused and emotional, so at least you can empathise with that for example: “That really sucks, I used to feel that way when I was your age” or “That sounds crappy, I’m sorry you are feeling this way, or even simply “That sucks, I’m here for you”.
Presence.
What your tween or teen doesn’t need is fixing. They don’t want to hear a solution every single time. They don’t need every single moment to be a teaching moment, in fact they’re more likely to learn from what you do than what you say anyway. Just being there, letting them know you see and feel them and validate them is often all they need. And often they would prefer this instead of feeling like a problem that needs to be fixed.
Safety.
Instead of berating them every time they are rude what they need is a calm, consistent reminder that you’re their anchor, even when they’re stormy. This could be as simple as not responding to their rudeness in the moment, remembering all the things they could be going through, and if you say anything at all, just make it a supportive validating statement, like the above examples.
You don’t need to get it right every time. You don’t have to say the perfect thing.
You just need to be a safe place to land.
You are their safe space to be an emotional mess and to let the mask come off without being judged or disapproved of.
This is especially powerful for neurodivergent teens, who often feel judged more than they feel supported. When you stay regulated, offer empathy, and model calm, even when they’re losing it, you’re doing the most important work of all, showing them a real-life example of how it’s possible to respond when people are being rude and more importantly building trust and connection with them.
If they can trust you to support them through the eyerolls and back chat, they’ll trust you with the bigger problems as they grow up.
Underneath the sarcasm and agression is a young person who desperately wants to feel seen, heard, and loved, and wants you to be their safe space while they figure out how they want to behave.
Struggling with your rude tween or teen?
We can unpack this in a single session and give you the strategies that will work for your families specific needs. Book your 60 minutes with me now and let’s get your family back on track: https://novarose.as.me/PARENTS1